Banta finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate
that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and
begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my
business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as
well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Banta goes back to the temple................. "Bhagwan, please
let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to
lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!!
Back to the temple.................. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?
I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are
starving.. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a
good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Banta is confronted
by the voice of Lord "BANTA, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".
Mr. Banta went to a grocery stores collected the grocery
and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill
for the items.
Banta asked " Where is the fat ?"
The person didn't understand what singh was saying and said "Excuse me sir, FAT???"
Banta: "Yes Fat, Give me the fat"
Banta started shouting and arguing with the person and all
people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked
Banta about the problem.
Banta said Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your
stores and it was written "FAT FREE" on that but this guy is not giving me
When a insect fell into the coffee mug,
you know what various people did ?
English Man : Throws his mug away and walks out.
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
Indian : Sells the coffee to the American and insect to the chinese
and gets a new mug of coffee.
Raaaaaaaabert. is kutte ko Microprocessor mein daal do.
Bit by bit mar jayega saala.
Raaaaaaaabert, ise thodi shamepain pila do.
Pehle Shame se fir Pain se mar jayega.
Raaaaaaaabert, Dayna ko thoda khatta pila do.
Ye Dayna se DaynaSour bhi ho jayegi, aur fir extinct bhi.
Mona Darrrling, tum Toni ke saath ghumna band karo.
Nahee to bahut MonaToni ho jayegi.
Raaaaaaaabert, Harshad Mehta ko stool test karao.
Pata to chale akhir ye BullShit kya hota hai.
Maikal : Boss, yeh admi to kuchh bol hi nahi raha hai. Kya kare ?
Ajit : Ise Revolving chair mein daal do. Pata to chale ke chakkar kya
Robert : Boss, humne ek CID ko pakad liya hai.
Ajit : Ise marke Police Station ke samne daal do. Aur uske badan par ek
sui chubha do.
Robert : Par sui kyon, Boss ?
Ajit : Bewakoof! Pulees samjhegi ki sui-cid hua hai.
Ajit : Raaaaaaaabert, test match ka kya scene hai ?
Robert : Boss, Viv. Richards Chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.
Ajit : Saale ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch time mein use phone milao.
(In Lunch Time)
Ajit : Richards, tumhari maa hamari kabze mein hai.
Robert : Boss, mission par kaise jaoon, mujhe Headek ho raha hai.
Ajit : Abe, head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padega.
Scene : Ajit ordering Robert to kill an enemy.
Raaaaaaaabert, ise Social Security pe daal do.
Society ise jeene nahi degi, aur Security marne nahi degi.
"How do you spell it?"
"Slow, slow, T?"
"Is that T as in Tom, or D as in Dennis?"
"No, not Dennis, my name is Dinesh."
"I know that. I am asking you, is that a T as in Tom, or D as in ...
as in Detroit?"
"I don't know who Tom is, and I haven't been to Detroit. I just came
to the US from Madras."
"OK, OK, I know that. Is that T-I- or D-I- ?"
"D. D-I-. D-I-N-E-S-H."
"Is that your last name or first name?"
"Uh? Dinesh is my name."
"OK. What is your LAst name?"
"That is my first and last name. Dinesh."
"Then, is your name Dinesh Dinesh?"
"No. My name is Dinesh."
"But what is your LAST NAME? I am ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST NAME."
"I told you, Dinesh. I always had the same name, from birth till
now. DINESH. That's my name."
"OK, what is your family name?"
"Family? Family name? My family doesn't have a name."
"What do the neighbors call you?"
"Not you. Your whole family. What do they call your family?"
"So, that is your family name. Do you understand?
How do you spell that?"
"B.D. whatever you said, what your neighbors call your family."
"Oh, that ... Beedida bhat'rr."
"What do you need that for? It only means 'the brahmin who makes
"What are B-Ds?"
"Not B-D. Beedi, is like a cigarette, you see, they roll the tobacco
in a leaf and tie a thread around it. 25 in a kattu."
"25 in a what?"
"Kattu, or katta, whatever. Like a bunch, you see. If there is even
one less or one more, my father could always tell without counting.
He then taught me how to do it."
"I am not worried about your 'cutter' or whatever.
"I told you, Dinesh."
"OK, OK, I don't want to go over this again. What is common to the
names of all the members of your family?"
"They are all in Sanskrit. My first sister is Suneetha, the second
sister is Sumathi ... "
"Not about the language. When you write your name, and your sister
writes her name, what do you two have in common?"
"We have the same handwriting. Even my father can't tell our
"Blast it! What is your father's name?"
"What does G.K. stand for?"
"His name, Gopala Krishna."
"Then what is Nettar?"
"That is our house name."
"House name? Aha, does every one at your house have this name?"
"It is not our name. It is the name of our house. Strictly speaking,
it should be Honnadka. But my father was too lazy to change it. My
father was born in Honnadka, but, see, my grandfather was born in
"What was his name?"
"I told you, G.K.Nettar."
"Your grandfather was also called G.K. whatever?"
"No. That is my father."
"Then what is your grandfather's name?"
"Govinda Bhat. See, my relatives still call me Mangalore Govinda.
Because it is a tradition to name the first son after his
All the brothers of my father have done this. So, we have Honnadka
Govinda, Jogibettu Govinda, Kanchodu Govinda, and I am Mangalore
"So, then, your name is Mangalore Govinda, not Dinesh."
"No. My name is Dinesh. Mangalore Govinda is how my relatives call
me. That is not my Name."
"What do they call your sister?"
"What? You said her name is Sooneetha."
"Yes, that is her name, Suneetha, but we call her Ammanni."
"Is that her nick-name?"
"No. she doesn't have a nick name. Only our neighbor's daughter
has a nick name. She is called 'soote'. She is very active. That's
"What about your brother?"
"I have no brothers. But then, you can count all those Govindas as
my brothers too. See, they are really kind of my brothers."
"OK, what are their names?"
"The oldest one, he is my big brother. He is called GovindaNNa."
"Govind Anna? Then Anna is his last name."
"No, ANNA, not anna. ANNA means big brother."
"What is his NAME?"
"His name is Govinda Bhat."
"Then your last name is But."
"Not but, Bhat, B-H-A-T. But that's not his name, you see."
"If that's not his name, what is it? Why does he have it in his
"Bhat simply means he is a brahmin. He might as well write Rao, like
his father does, or Sharma, like my father's second brother does."
"How does he write his name in official papers?"
"Nettar Govinda Bhat. That's how he writes it."
"How does his father write it?"
"Nettar Venkata Subba Rao."
"Aha, I can see now. Your father is G.K.Nettar, his brother is
Nettar something Rao... your last name is then Nettar. Aha, I got it."
"But Nettar is not the last name. It is the house name."
"I don't care. Tell me one last time, what is YOUR last name?"
"But I told you, my last name is the same as my first name, my only
"Then, I am going to write Nettar here. I don't care if it is your
house name, your grandfather's name, your dog's name, whatever. It
is your last name. How do you spell it? N-E-..."
"N-E-T-T-? Is that T as in Tom or D as in Dennis?"
"My name is Dinesh, not Dennis."
"AARRGGHHHHH. Do we have to go through this again? Here, write it
"That's it. From now on, you are Dinesh Nettar, Dinesh is your first
name, and Nettar is your last name. OK?"
Answering Machines Messages
Dharmendra : Kutte Kaminey, Agar tune apni maa ki doodh
piya hai to message chod de, warna mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga.
AJIT's voicemail : Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naam se jaanti
hai, jab tak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur jaa chuke
honge, Robert helicopter chalu karo.
Ajit : "Smart move". Phone kiya aapne baahot aachha kiya. Aapka naam chod dijiye aur Mona aapka phone louta degi. Please
Hiron ki aawaz sunte hi record karna.
Shatru : Jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain ... mein us haram-zade
ko zinda nahi chodunga... jaan se maar dunga.
Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharo me rahane waale pathar nahi
pheka karte. Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi
me hai. Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. Hum
ko mita sake woh tumahre message mein dum nahi.... hum se hain ye
m/c .. m/c se hum nahi....
Pran : PATHAN ki answering m/c.... HUM tereku bola message chod
de warna hum pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega.
Prem chopra : Hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate
hain.... Aapke msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge....
By The Way: Mera Naam hai Pre'm, He he Pre'm Chopra
KESTO : Ihhhiyaa saale message Chod nahi to Batli de Ihhhiyaa.
Jaldi kar HICH. Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa. Hick aay. hick ye answering hick machine hick message ..
BINDU : Mera naam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehete
hai...Tumhara naam kya hai. Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu.
Quotes from offices:
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue
having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I
said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because
it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me,"What you see as a glass ceiling, I
see as a protective barrier."
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would
be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for
recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without
the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a
task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you
the impression your input would have any effect on my decision
for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer
training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means
you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer
intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for
that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
This is 21st century Deewar with two brothers Ravi (Shashi Kapoor)
and Vijay (Amitabh Bachchan) who are programmers. They are at a
clash because Vijay indulges into using computer resources for
downloading illegal software and software piracy and Ravi has been
assigned the task by System Administration of clearing the systems of
such evils. He is writing a program to identify and weed out such Nethackers.
So this is the fight between Ravi's ethics and Vijay's philosophy.
Vijay logs in and starts netchat with Ravi who is already logged
Amitabh: shukar hai aaj tum bug fix nahi kar raheho muze login
karne mein der to nahi hui.
Shashi: koi bat nahi. Netscape chalanewale hamesha slowhi kam
Amitabh: mai jo kuch kahana chahata hun uske pahale pooch lu ki
muze sunnewala kaun hai ek bhai ya system administrator.
Shashi: jabtak ek bhai programming kar raha hai ek bhai sun raha
hai. Jub mpegs play karega ek system administrator sunega.
Amitabh: Ravi tumhe malum nahi kin programmers ko tumme apna
dushman bana liya hai aaj to maine unko virus spread karne se rok
liya par shayad kal na rok saku. Tum documentation mein transfer lelo Ravi.
Shashi: Nethacker bhaika login karke bol raha hai.
Amitabh: lagata hai wo partition jo hum dono ki disk mein hai wo is
pc ke hard disk se bahot bada hai.
Ravi tumhe malum nahi jo program tum likh rahe ho uska anjaam kya ho sakta hai.
Shashi: Jo program mein likh raha houn wo hang bhi ho sakta hai
par jo program tum chala rahe ho uska anjaam sirf core dump hi hai
Amitabh: main to mera code run kar chuka houn par tumhare paas
to abhi bahot memory hai. Yahan our bhi companies hai tum
udhar kyoun nahi chale jate.
Shashi: nahi, mere usul mere adarsh muze iski izzazat nahi de
Amitabh: Oof tumhare usul, tumhare adarsh.?!!! kis kam ke hai
tumhare usul. Tumhare tamam usulonko computer mein dalkar do lines ka code
nahi likha ja sakata, Ravi. Jin adarshonpe chalkar tum apne
programs likh rahe ho kya diya hai tumko un adarshone.
Ek do KB ka ram, 1MB ka 286 PC, ek do kawadi ka pager. Hum
dono ne is pc se programming chalu kiya our tum kaha rah gaye our
mein kaha aa gaya. Aaj mere paas mpegs hai, Avi hai, jpegs
hai, Pentium hai, kya hai tumhare paas.
Shashi: Mere paas root password hai.
Song : "Stop that"
Film : "Gambler"
Best Actor : Govinda
Mera source code Padh kar hasanaa nahi,
Ise chalata dekh tum fasanaa nahi.
Main testing karataa hun Boss ki Kasam,
Bina piye Whiskey, Beer ya Rum.
------ MUSIC --------
Bill Gates milaa muze rastemein,
Beche Windows humne sastemein,
Usne kaha "Tuze CEO banaoo"
Ghar tere aake Operator ban jaaoo
Gates ko kaha mere ghar na aanaa
Bill Joy ko bol diyaa naa baba naa
Chaahe Boston me dede muze BMW car
Ya H-1 pe dede muze dollar Dus Hazaar
Yar development ke liye main to kachchaa hun
Dus saal se Porting me Achchaa hun.
------ MUSIC --------
Mere daddoo likhe Software
Bina use kiye koi Hardware
Meri Beti banegi AuNTy
Jab tak install hoga NT
Release ho raha hai mera Software nayaa
Unix ko DOS pe hai port kiyaa
Microsoft ne jab meraa H-1 kiyaa
Bug Free Windows maine release kiyaa
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.
The owner says,"Well the parrot knows c++, SDK and Oracle dev 2000".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one
costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot
can do plus it knows IBM AS-400,SAP,VSAT, CICS,DB2 and Informix.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs
the question "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a
thing but the other two call him boss!".
Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you;
you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still
live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years
studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and
remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll
need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do and this from the other side of the desk.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've
used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me
about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better
job, I'm outta there.
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me "for my interest and
wishing me luck in my future career".
Q: What do you call a Duke with a gun and a bun?
Q: Why did Ram, Lakshman and Sita eat only Buns during their stay in
A: It was their Bun-waas.
Q: What do you call a male bun?
Q: A female bun?
A: Of course, bun-di.
Q: What is a bun and is walking away?
Q: How would you tell a bun to come to you?
Q: How would you tell a bun to come to you in Telugu?
Q: In which country do you get buns for 25 paise?
A: Bun-Anna republic.
Q: How do you respectfully call a bong who bakes buns?
Q: A popular hindi movie on various recipes for making buns?
Q: A house made up of shiny buns?
Q: The most popular brand of buns?
Q: Woman who stole buns?
A: Bundit Queen.
Q: A pawn broker who pawns buns?
Q: Place where Bal-Thackarey stores buns?
A: Bunkar ( not to be confused with Gavaskar, Tendulkar,Matondkar...)
Q: Beautiful buns eaten by tigers?
A: Sunder buns.
Bill Gates was in India a last year.
He announced that Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi.
Here are some More Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi
version of... Khidkiyan97: ( More appropriately Atyant Mulayam Khidkiyan Satthanve, Chod Version Shoonya dashmalav Shoonya Ek)
Atyant Mulayam = Microsoft
Khidki = Window
Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Madad Pe Madad = Help On Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Chaara = Options
Bura sandesh yaa phail naam = Bad command or file name
garbh girao,firse koshish karo,naakaamyab = Abort, retry, fail
Bichavo = Tile
Aadmi Bhejo = Send Male
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas Se Dhekho = Zoom
Duur Se Dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Nikalo = Remove
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Chooto = Escape
Kagaz Uper = Page Up
Kagaz Neeche = Page Down
Anth = End
saaf karo = clear
Sab kuch saaf karo = clear all
Ghar (Or Makan) = Home
Topi Ka Tala = CapsLock
Niyantran = Control
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = Mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
Pardha = Screen
Pardha Bachanewala = Screen Saver
Chalavo = Drive
Chooha Chalak = Mouse Driver (Software)
Cheez Chalak = Device Driver (Software)
Yadash = Memory
Kaam Jaga = Work station
Pattha = Card
Sound Card = Avaaz Pattha
Yadash Pattha = Memory Card
Krimi = VIRUS
Tika = Anti Virus
Agar = if
Athwa = else
Karo = Do
Pado = Read
Likho = Write
Galthi = Error
Ghusavo = Insert
Pahale Ghusavo = Insert Before
Beech Mein ghusao = Insert Between
Baadhme Ghusavo = Insert After
Chabi Phalak = Key board
Choohha Ka Bisthar = Mouse pad
Khatin Kista = Hard disk
Avaaz Phodney Wali Cheez = Sound Blaster
Antarjatiya Jala = InterNet
Jala Kaam = NetWork
Baath Cheeth Dabba = Dialog Box
Bina Bachake Chale? = Exit Without Saving?
Chale? = Exit?
Here are some Proposed Names of Standard Software which comes with
Atyanth Mulayam Khidkiyan, Satthanve
Atyant Mulayam Padh = Microsoft Word
Atyant Mulayam Rang = Microsoft Paint
Atyant Mulayam Likho = Microsoft Write
InterNet Explorer = Antarjatiya jala Khojak
FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE MALE:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the
AARTI FOR COMPUTER BABA
Om Jai Computer Baba, !!!!
Swami Jai Computer Baba
Client logon ke sankat
Tu hi door karta. !!Om!! !!!!
(Bolo: jai computer baba, shri jai computer baba)
"H1" Tune Dilaya,
US Tune Pahunchaya.
Sunnyvale Ho Ya Fremont,
"ABCD" Har Jagah Hi Paya. !!Om!! !!!!
Oracle Ho Ya Sybase,
Sabka Beda Paar Ho Jata.
Programmer Ho Ya DBA,
Koi Waapis Na Ja Pata. !!Om!! !!!!
(Bolo: jai computer baba, shri jai computer baba)
Tujh Bin Calculation Na Howe,
Tujh Bin Program Na Howe,
Tujh Bin Kuchh Na Ho Pata,
Swaami "CORE DUMP" Nahin Jata. !!Om!! !!!!
(Bolo: jai computer baba, shri jai computer baba)!!!!
Yeh Computer Baba Ki Aarti
Jo Koi Nar Gata,
Uska H1 Bhi Jaldi Se
"HARA PATTA" Ban Jata. !!Om!! !!!!
(Bolo: jai computer baba, shri jai computer baba) !!!!